Flight Delay

So our time at the airport in Phoenix was a little longer, and more eventful than we had anticipated. We were able to get that earlier flight from Vegas to Phoenix, which got us into the Phoenix airport with plenty of time to spare, unlike our first entrance into the Sunshine State earlier this week.

We were all excited to have a few moments to relax and not have to rush to our next gate. We joked around, and decided that since there would not be any meal on the plane (except for Heather and I, who were in first-class) we would all get some lunch. Our selection was pretty grim. The airport in Phoenix is pretty lacking.

Our food choices were the following (the names are incorrect, or changed because I’m either bored, or didn’t pay attention:

1. Greasy McPizza’s PoopHole
2. Filthy Employees Cheese Steak Crap shack
3. Tony Hotdogs French Fry Palace (which was closed because of a deep fryer accident)
4. Dirk Colombia’s Free Trade (NOT) coffee house

So everyone in our group except for, my mother and my brother decided that Greasy McPizza’s PoopHole would be the lesser of multiple evils.

We got our “personal” pizzas and a bottle of water and sat down to eat while mom and brother lined up for Filthy Employees Cheese steak Crap Shack sandwiches. We had all finished eating and drinking and had already started feeling sick from our cruddy food before we noticed that mom and Peter were still in line. Wondering what was going on, I put on my “ScoobyDoo T-Shirt” and went to investigate.

I interviewed my family to see what they thought the problem was. I received several curses from my brother and mom just shrugged. I decided to take a more observant role in my investigation. I lined up with the family and watched what was happening.

It looked like several employees, whom I will name for you were not the most cohesive team. “Acid Burn” was taking orders and shouting them over to “Pink Eye”, who was not particularly amused by the sheer volume and speed at which “Acid Burn” rhymed off the orders, nor by the fact that she sounded like she was chewing on sponges when she talked. These two were shouting at each other and yelling at each other yet nobody was making food. Acid Burn continued to yell at Pink Eye while taking orders, but Pink Eye was less skilled at Multi Tasking, and therefore could only manage to do one thing at a time, which unfortunately for those in line was curse back at Acid Burn.

The most pertinent quote that I captured throughout my investigation was the following from Pink Eye,

“You may as well close, and stop taking orders because I’m not making anything!”

To this my brother, who had now been in line with 10-15 other people for over 20minutes decided it was time to cut his losses and find other means of sustenance. The next 15minutes was spent trying to get the attention of Pink Eye, who would make slight eye contact, make some sucking noises through her teeth, the go back to cooking food, which was ironic, because she was in fact not cooking anything. She chopped up a lot of onions and mushrooms, but nothing was actually being cooked.

I tried to help by searching out the manager and was able to have her sent over (she manages both Filthy Employees Cheese steak Crap Shack and Greasy McPizza Poophole simultaneously.

She came over and fairly quickly gave my brother and mom their money back. In the meantime, I had also run down the hall to Tony HotDogs French Fry Palace and got a couple orders of fries for Peter and Mom to share. I tried to get them something else but found out that ALL Tony Hotdogs could sell was French Fries because their FRYER was down. They can sell FRIES with a fryer down, but not HotDogs.

Anyways, back to Greasy Cheese Steak Crap Shack. As I walk back with the fries I’m feeling bad for mom and Peter because we were all starving and now they had waited almost 45minutes with no food. I’m about to put down the fries when I see something I had to do a double take for.

An older gentleman, who was at least 70 years old had been in line probably about 15 minutes longer than my brother, had decided that enough was enough, and went completely mental. He marched up and down the line cursing at the employees. Not that they didn’t deserve some sort of reprimand for being so moronic, but I learned early on into my college days as a waiter. NEVER treat your food service employees poorly, lest ye drink urine in your soda.

Anyways, Mr. Old’s tirade was awesome! He went off on each employee and exclaimed that he had been in line for a god damned hour and you morons can’t even make a god damned sandwich!?

Then another employee, we’ll call “Special Sauce” comes over. This dude is about 40years old, and about 6 foot 5 inches tall. He looks like one of those big, but soft- spoken type guys. He looks over at Mr. Old, and says fairly calmly,

“Hey You, FUCK YOU!”

At this point the manager comes over and gives Mr. Old, the customer some grief for cursing in public. I laughed out loud at this point

Mr. Old was speechless. Now what baffles me is that out of nowhere within a minute, Mr. Old has his sandwich and is quietly eating it! NO WAY would I be eating something from:
1. This place at all after what I had seen over the last hour
2. This place after just telling the guy who is making my sandwich how much of a moron he is, and receiving the reply “Hey you, FUCK YOU” from him.

But Mr. Old chewed up his body fluid sandwich and licked his plate clean.

So after everything had somewhat settled, I headed to the restroom to wash my hands after lunch and saw a brawl erupt over at Greasy McPizza’s PoopHole between PINK EYE and Acid Burn. Pink Eye Who is in her 40’s was swinging, screaming, and cursing like MAD at Poor Acid Burn who just seemed shell shocked. The manager was between them and keeping Pink Eye at least an arms length away from Acid Burn.

Just when Pink Eye seemed to quiet down, Acid burn would mutter something, which kind of sounded like some sort of voodoo or gypsy curse, which completely set Pink Eye over the deep end. We were scrambling for our cameras and I had tears streaming down my face. Unfortunately the manager had physically dragged Pink eye out of public view before our flashes could go off. Nonetheless we had laughed ourselves silly.

Gosh I love flight delays!!!